This is not a sob story. I don’t do sob stories.
I grew up with racist remarks and insults hurled at me. Right from primary school, I had my peers call me various names: hitam [black in Malay], keling [derogatory for Indians in Malay] and various other things that made me resent myself.
In primary school, people hung out in their racial groups – the Malays with the Malays, the Chinese with the Chinese, and the Indians with the Indians – and they’d all usually converse in their mother tongues. Of course, it didn’t help that I’m an Indian girl who couldn’t speak an Indian language – I speak Malay, and I was much too tall and too big to have fitted in anywhere. I didn’t belong.
It came to a point where during Malay class, we were assigned to write poems, and a boy wrote a poem about me. A nasty, hurtful poem that I can recall till today – and he wasn’t penalised for it. The teacher laughed. There was also a teacher who, after class, told me that she wouldn’t call me out in class when I raised my hand to answer because I was “black”.
Of course, I was a kid. I didn’t know these things were wrong. Today, if I were to bump into these teachers on the street, I’d tell them what cunts and what unsuitable educators they are, and they should be ashamed of the lives they have negatively affected.
Secondary school wasn’t any better. I remember overhearing a conversation amongst the boys in my class. One of whom said, “Fazillah would be pretty if only she were fair.” If only.
Everyday, for ten years of my life I recited the Singapore pledge with the whole school. Everyday, I knew it was a lie when everybody said “Regardless of race, language or religion.”
Singapore is a racist country – but that’s another story for another time.
At a recent media trip over dinner, someone asked when each of best times of our lives were, and most people loved their teenage years, or when they were kids. The best time of my life is now – I love my skin, I have accepted my body for how it is, and I enjoy looking the way I look. I do admit I go to extents not to get any darker – SPF 100, staying out of the sun, and a hat whenever I’m on a beach vacation. I like the way I look – but getting darker is unfathomable.
People fight for gay rights, people fight for the rights of women, people fight for the rights of animals. Magazines put plus-sized girls on the covers of magazines to stop the skinny = beautiful stereotype, designers stop using fur in their clothes – but who’s going to start saying that black [or Nutella, as I refer my skin colour as!] is beautiful?
It starts with us – the dark-skinned girls. It’s us who have to stop thinking that fairer skin would make us more beautiful, it’s us who have to stop teaching our kids that their skin is not perfect, it’s us who have to start making the difference. And it’s also us who have to stand up for ourselves.
I watched this clip on Gala Darling’s blog, and even though most, if not all of the women in the clip are of African American descent, it resonated with me. It is a documentary “exploring the deep-seated biases and attitudes about skin colour—particularly dark skinned women, outside of and within the Black American culture.”
Dark Girls: Preview from Bradinn French on Vimeo.
Watch it, and help this movie get made.
"Rise, Dark Girls, Rise."
P.S.: I’m writing Part II of this article – if you’re a dark-skinned girl and if you have something to say, or if you’ve something to say no matter what colour your skin is, email me: faz@thedramadiaries.com
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
I love this entry. And I cannot believe your teachers did and said those things. That boy who wrote the poem is a dick.
Singapore definitely is a racist country. It’s not so bad that we have to fear for our lives but it’s there. I’ve had the regular garden-variety idiots who have told me that because i’m black (I’m a caramel type of brown), I’m dirty. Then there was “Apu neneh”. So classy. When i was in Primary 6, my art teacher actually critiqued one classmate’s art work and said, “Aiyah. Looks like indian shit.” Yes, this was the type of educators we had. No wonder people in our generation grew up pretty screwed up in the head.
You know how it is with Indians as well.
I was fair as a baby and toddler. When i started primary school and swimming classes, it meant i spent a great deal of time in the sun and started getting darker. My grams, who was a wonderful woman, got worried that i was getting dark and asked my mum to get me the stupid “Fair and Lovely” cream. I wore it and my skin suffered. I have no hard evidence but i believe its the reason i have pigment patches on my skin today.
That said, i think things are somewhat better. In our community anyway. Nowadays most Indians realise skin colour is not a good representative of beauty. We still have a long-ass way to go though where skin colour and racism are concerned, though. Except, now I’d call it xenophobia, not racism.
Hey Faz…I know I am guilty of almost of all of the things that happened in Scondary school,there ain’t no reason for it other than we were stupid,immature dicks back in secondary school.I know a simple apology can’t erase anything but hopefully,it helps a bit..So,I guess I’m saying this for “all the boys in your class..” SORRY…But we love you,you know..thats why Hari Raya we still gather..well..i hope you’ll at least consider forgiving us…peace…salaams..
I like this post very much. And your height is enviable. You know what they say; karma is a bitch.Most of those kids who tease you are nowhere near your success to date. Great post Fuzz! xx
Hey Faz,
Stella here, formerly from MediaCorp Publishing. Discovered your blog a few months ago so been checking in now and then. We went on a junket to HK together years ago (for Mika, i think) and I remember we went shopping for bespoke shoes and bought out H&M.
I felt honestly sad reading this entry. I’m one of those naturally fair-skinned chinese girls and (at the risk of sounding like a lezzie) I thought you were gorgeous then — and even more now. So don’t let anyone tell you otherwise please. btw, you and your bf look hot together.
Hi Fazilla. I’m a fan of your blog write-ups (and your fashion styles!) and I read your post from your Facebook link.
Those scumbags from your past were really blind towards your character and your nice looks. I’m sure that you must have been adorable as a kid/teen. It’s too bad for them that they were too shallow to appreciate others who exist outside their circle.
Although it’s sad that racism still exists in Singapore, I’m happy to see that there are people like you around… The Gen Y… Who don’t see or judge anyone by skin colour but who appreciate people for who they are… And we have learnt to love every single thing about ourselves and that is just wonderful.
I truly understand your feelings as I had a similar experience in my school days… I had short hair back then since it was easier for me to manage but my classmates would call me Handsome, Boygirl… And just because I was Indian they’d call me Mudface… Blacko… Best part, the teachers supported them by laughing along, just like your experience. I wished I could just gather them all and push them off a cliff! But now, things have changed and… I don’t give a sh*t about what others think anymore… Only what I think should matter :)
Fazilla, you are an amazing girl, both talented and beautiful, and so many people here love you! :) Keep rockin’ gurl!
P/S: By the way here’s a compliment babe, you have a gorgeous colour! And it’s cute that you call it Nutella, all the best in everything that you do! :)
Faz, I’m glad you spoke up. I’ve had this thought since secondary school, but could not find the words to articulate it without sounding angry (or fear being judged by what I had to say).
I think I inherited my father’s genes (altho’ he is Chinese) – i tan easily and when out in the sun for hours, can come out looking baked. I could not have the nice orangey tan my girl friend had and often felt left out and was made the butt of jokes in class (even by my teacher). I love the outdoors but that would leave me dark by day’s end… and all the jokes that came after only made me feel like an ugly duckling (jokes even came with racial undertones).
Now that i’m older, i think my skin colour has settled into the “teh-susu” tone. I still feel for dark girls who are made fun of. And to date, skin colour for me is still a personal topic. I don’t make fun of girls with dark skin because I was there before. But now, more than ever (esp with your entry), being dark skinned I feel, is nothing to be ashamed of. I have seen girls looking beautiful and regal with the colour they have.
Thank you for writing this.
Seriously, you are one PRIME example that people ought to follow. You make everything look B-E-A-U-tiful, and with a fine attitude to complement that. (; To hell with those A-holes because they will always have something to say about others, but none about themselves.
OMG..I have gone through the same shit in secondary school..Indian muslim gal who took malay…We’re like in no man’s land..and yes you’re right those ppl are unfit educators and cunts…and yes they made me feel shit about myself…suffice to say secondary school classmates were a bunch of racists wanks..and the malay gal who used to call me keling got knocked up before exams. Way to go huh. Fast forward to today, if my future kids face the same abuse from educators, I WILL SUE their racist asses off. I posted this on my wall btw. Its a completely OMFG moment.
Mahathir, Kinda conceited aren’t you to think that you’re guilty of almost all the things in secondary school? I kid. I assure you, your torments didn’t make up even half of the hell I had to live with. Again, I’ve made peace with myself, and kids don’t know any better, it’s the educators, the adults that should’ve known better.
Thanks Stella for the vote of confidence! I hope you’re well!
Cynthia, Thanks for sharing your side of the story. Likewise, I am humbled and honoured to have someone who have struggled and risen above discrimination to be reading my blog! And thanks for the vote of confidence! xo
Lilyana, I agree… your skin colour shouldn’t be something you’re ashamed about. It’s almost like people should already be blind to colour!
Thanks Drew!
Zahara, Thanks for posting on your Wall and thanks for sharing your experiences with me. I know it must’ve been just as hellish for you to have lived through that as a teen and clearly, you’re still mad at them, and I don’t blame you at all. I think it’s about teaching our kids to be blind to skin colour. It should never be about colour.
faz,
You’re absolutely right. I’m still angry when I think about all the nasty named they heaved at me but I’m making peace with it. I’m more mad at the educators and adults present in the situation who contributed and did nothing about it. I realised that even today, my younger cousins are facing the same situation all over again. I say to all teachers, check your racists asses out the door. You are an educator not a hater in the classroom.
well, this is an amazing write up. People are usually so oblivious to what’s really happening in the country and especially to children. not so much when we’re adults because we have the freedom of speech. I can also relate somewhat to your story as I have undergone the same situation as i was growing up. I was even degraded by the indian girls themselves because i could not speak Tamil. I am not that dark, but just being coloured made my school life hell. Though my closest friends in school was chinese, somehow in some conversations they used to slip the racist remark or joke in. well, i guess everywhere racism is present but it is how we embrace it at the end of the day. now, im proud to be brown and i love myself. <3
Bet those idiots are slapping themselves now, you”re gorgeous!
Hi,
Recently someone from my facebook friends list shared this article on my wall. I got to agree it was nice inspiring articles for black beauties … :) Hats Off! I had shared this article with my friends.. :) Keep writing.
~ Jay
Being dark isn’t wrong,the thought of being dark is wrong, is wrong.Hats off to you=)
Hey there :) I followed a link to your blog from Facebook (a friend posted it) and I can relate on a different level.
I’m from Malaysia, and I’m half Malay and half German. While I may not be dark-skinned, I was treated badly too. I was never ‘Malay’ enough for the Malays in school, especially the teachers and ‘Ustazahs’ who used to pick on me for being different, asking me if my (German) mother wore a ‘tudung’ and if she prayed 5 times a day. Nosy, stupid things like that. I got called ‘Kafir’ (infidel) and ‘bohsia’ (at the age of 11 – hello??).
Thus, I did not gel with the Malays at all. All my closest friends were non-Malays, most of the really close ones were Indian. Even to this day, those really close to me (BFFs and the like) are Indians. To this day I resent the mindset of Malays who think they’re better than the rest. Granted I’ve met a lot of Malays since then who are lovely, open-minded and humble. But the vast majority that I’ve encountered in my life… not so great.
Keep your chin up, be proud of who you are, and forget the naysayers. They’re just full of hot air.
xoxo
Hey there, likewise I found the link to your blog from a friend on Facebook.
I echo Inayah above. Since my dad was a diplomat I went to an International school overseas and when I came back I spoke with a thick American accent. The transition I had to make from a liberal secular education to a Malaysian government school was tough. The Malay kids made fun of the way I talked and sure enough I had a tough time adapting. Life was a living hell not being accepted by your own kind. Things did eventually got better for me in my final years of high school.
You need an incredibly thick skin to survive high school in Malaysia what with all the name calling and racial stereotypes people hurl at you. It was as if everybody was a closet racists. And like you, I pin the blame on the educators.
We need to stamp out racism, in all its forms, from schools now(looks like both Singapore and Malaysia have the same problem). Nobody should go through all that mental abuse.
Amazing isn’t it that we’re still talking about skin colour in this day and age? Last time I check the president of the USA is a black dude.
Keep your chin up and I wish you all the best. God bless
In my opinion, everyone is unique in this world no matter what is the skin color that you have. Beauty is a subjective thing and it’s in the eyes of beholders. Therefore, no one can judge you based on your skin color. If someone did it, it showed how foolish he or she is. Your physical appearance is the greatest gift from GOD. So, everyone must feel proud of his or her skin color ;) You’re the one in this world ;D
Faz: Thumbs up to you for speaking up for yourself. True beauty lies within one’s self and not on their skin tone or physical parts. I agree as kids, we were so ignorant that we could not realize of hurting others rather than being hurt. I grew up in the area in which the majority are the malays and i was even beaten up while in school and in my neighbourhood just because I was dark.
I never wished for a lighter skin as my mother would tell me everyday that God loves you for who you are in your heart and not on how you looked. True enough, I consoled myself and prayed for those who hurt me that God would teach them the meaning of life which is indeed so precious.
I agree it is the leaders who are making the difference. Kids learnt easily from their parents and siblings on how the converse and treat people. There were once a small kid (around 4-5 years old) who called me ‘keling’ while I were walking pass their house, I were so damn angry but what difference would I make of shouting back to the kid while it was his parents who needs be slapped and taught of respecting everyone.
Practice what you preach statement goes a long way but who does care for now as none of the leaders are instilling the positive thoughts. The slogan “1 Malaysia” is only in the slogan. Which damn leaders are indeed having the thought. In the end its all the election propaganda.
I salute you for your sincere thoughts. I have shared your blog link in my facebook. http://www.facebook.com/dan.vic.
I hope more and more dark girls would rise up from their self down personality after reading up your testimony.
God bless you always.
It wasn’t juz restricted to the dark skinned girls, it applies to people who made friends with dark skinned people too n I’m speaking from experience. I hated my primary school days. I was ostracized by my Chinese friends for befriending classmates of other ethnicity, and was labelled as a “traitor” (yes, this is primary 2 or 3). Eventually i was also not accepted by my indian n Malay frens cuz they thought of me as the “Chinese spy”. Already tomboyish, already tall and lanky for my age, i was naturally the outcast and had to be transferred out to another school. 20 years down the road and I am still amazed how cruel kids tht age can be and where on earth did they get those ideas from?!
IF YOU CAN TAHAN A OPPOSING PERSON
Pitiful. The author and her blog followers.
NO fancy words will move this indifferent, uncaring world for your personal problems. Can’t bear the hurt, aw, too delicate, did you get a boo-boo? Her followers are also soft-minds, fragile hearts with well-spoken “big” words – please sooth and reinforce the author’s sentiment, she needs it. BECAUSE it’s the countries’ fault, it’s the people’s fault, it’s the teachers’ fault, it’s the community’s fault, it’s even Singapore’s fault. Yes child, it’s our fault, you are beautiful and right. Now that city and thingy are irreconcilable. Begone. We will rise minus you, perhaps rise faster.
Listen well. Singapore is not for you. We know you, we have weighed you, we have found you wanting.
It is not the colour of you skin, which is beautiful. It is your craven heart, drenched in self-pity, your persistent justification from you first line that “this is not a sob-story” you know full-well you embody sob sob. Go out, seek your happiness, but may i caution you not to blame and use the name of Singapore dragging a people’s pride in shit. You have not suffered or bled or went to war for her preservation, you are a spectator, so stand aside whiner. My command and host of men will never preserve you and yours. We don’t have to save you, Tsunami victims rank higher priorities on our list.
You are already physically stunning, only physically. Your website, neat and attractive. But you’ve allowed the systematic abuses and poison of your aggressors to sting, take root. Your spirit it now turned and maligned. I do not envision a sunrise in your future. In decades to come your job will expire. Your lifestyle, absent the money, will become unsustainable and be taken from you. Your followers will drift and abandon as your star falls. Do not appeal to this land, we have not forgotten your transgressions, insolent youngling. You dishonour every labouring, aspiring Singaporean who bears not hopes but stoic determination with such a behaviours, now recorded. I am happy you feel this way. Happy you removed yourself from the equation.
ONLY the Hard. Only the Strong. Singapore.
Yours Sincerely,
Alexander LEE
PS. for you indignants and whinos. Know that i have the scars and metal in my blood to enforce and demonstrate proof of my Letters. My family did not train and forge another Victim with a mouth. Please, test me. Victory is sweeter when the vanquished are vanquished, as nature and human law dictate.
i have recopied your blog. And reposted all contents material. With the exception of my replying comment appended to the end.
Moderate away dear child. OR Do you also want to practice Singapore’s limitation of the press.
You lose. And will keep losing. I promise this.
Wow, Alexander. Clearly you have no idea the height of racism that exists in Singapore. Ask any minority – young or old, born and bred here or foreign. Singapore is a sick example of one of the most racist places in the world – where racism is never obvious. It’s subtle. It’s not about how good you are, or how hard you work – it’s about the colour of your skin and which group of people you represent. Is there a dark-coloured CNA newscaster? How many people on Channel 5 have dark skin and are playing non-derogatory roles. Get off your high horse, and take off whatever has blinded you. Singapore is a racist country.
As for your attempted scathing, unnecessary personal attacks, it seemed a bit pathetic isn’t it, coming from someone who has a command and host of men who will preserve Singapore. I’d like to see that happen. I’d like to see how many people my age will stand to fight for this country when there’s a war. Pffft.
When I was in my convent primary school, I had my first taste of attack from a fellow Chinese classmate. We were chatting in a group and she was staring at me. I asked her why she was doing that and she asked if I was Singaporean. I said yes but my dad is Malaysian. Then she looked at me sadly and said, “No wonder half your face is darker than the other half”. I was so shocked by her response but I didn’t understand why I felt so hurt by it. That was only one incident, but for many people, they get shit like this everyday. Sure, I do say Apunehneh among my friends who say Chinks and beaners; because even if the Indians feel like minority against the Malays, the Malays feel minority against Chinese, the Chinese feel the same against the Caucasians… it’s a never ending cycle, it’s just human nature to compare, but we can change it because we are aware. Hope to read more on posts like this!
Thank you for this post.
Hey Faz,
Absolutely hats off to you on this blog! Been through almost the same experience fo being dark. Now I have come out of it I love the way I look and my skin colour.
This blog should reach out to the many dark skinned kids out there to let them know they are no way inferior or lower in standards as compared to fair skinned people and this is a good idea to create awareness amongst uncouth tongue that just shoot off racist remarks be it in a joking manner or not, that we all have feelings!
RFL
The next time someone mocks or insults you, tell him or her – ‘Live with it!’ or ‘Run away !’
You go girl!!! You’re beautiful the way you are. I always see this girl on the way to work. She’s gorgeous. She’s got bronzed skin, a lovely face, lovely hair and a nice, meaty body. She’s not fair, she’s DARK. But someway, somehow, she stands out from the crowd. Like all guys, I’m always and forever checking out the sweet, young things on the street. But when this one’s there, I see no one else. The world ought to recognize people for who they are, not what they are. Kudos to brave people like you who speak out. That’s how the world changes.
Dear A. Lee,
It is obvious you are simply a pathetic, sh*t-stirring troll.
If you have copied this post and all the responses as you have said, I believe that is copyright infringement. The original content belongs to the owner of this blog, and my comment is my property and I certainly do not want some intellectual midget copying my material for god knows what reason.